Uncertainty

Ever feel tearfully tired? It’s 2 am and I am reading about Heisenberg’s principle of uncertainty in hopes that it will make me fall asleep. But for some reason its beginning to worry me more, in that I think it may refute any fatalistic hopes I have. I’ve also had a subacute raging headache since 4 pm this afternoon, although I think it’s on the account of feeling dehydrated. Instead of drinking more water right now, I am just so tired to the point that I am wishing I had IV access for fluids. This entire match process is taking a toll on my well-being. The thoughts in my head are keeping me from closing my eyes at night to fall into a restful sleep. Instead, as the hours pass by the more disordered my thoughts become, but retaining the central underlying theme – “The Match”, and how I will rank the programs I want to attend. You see, I know where I feel I would like to be, but my fate is left up to a computer based matching system, that uses algorithmics to calculate your match based on how the program also ranked you. I wish I had a mentor who was coming from a similar background in this whole process. I find people often seek advice on matters they already intrinsically know the answer to – more to make sure decisions can be affirmed. And when one hears advice they do not wish to hear, often several opinions are attained until the ‘right one’ is heard. I find this statement to hold true for most purposes. I wish I had someone to reaffirm my decisions with; perhaps it would take some of the weight off my shoulders. I abhor this type of uncertainty. I shouldn’t be, and I’m trying not to want anything too badly (as I know this will most certainly jinx my chances). I hope this post has gotten some of the words out of my head so there is more room for sleep to set in.