Slasher Friday and a Romantic Evening for One

Originally written March 2nd, 2008

Before I begin this post I just want to start by saying that its absolutely disgusting to hear the noises of your roommate fornicating with her new boyfriend. I would rather give serial rectal exams to 83 year old men complaining of diffuse abdominal pain. Oh yeah, did I forget to mention that the mexican fiance has vamanosed and she's taken a new 'lova'?

'Twas Friday evening, another call night at the hospital. At 5 pm I reported to the senoir, and he promptly sent me off to the operating room....there's nothing like the feeling of having your gloved hands inside the internal organs of another person. By 9pm I was out, and retired to my call room with the hope that I would sleep soundly through the night. Alas, there was no such luck - it was friday night stab night, as we had one trauma victim after another with knife wounds to various parts of their body. There are just so many people who 'mind their own business' when a crazy women comes to stab them.....By 5am, I was exhausted but grossly satisfied with the amount of blood I had seen, and was kindly let off early to go home. As walked home in the cold wee hours of the morning I contemplated how I would spend my Saturday evening after a days rest. So much to do by myself - should I wax my arms or somewhere a little more sensitive? Questions.......questions I could sleep on for now.

As I unwound Saturday morning before I retired I was informed the mutt would be remaining at home for the day. I felt sympathy for this poor ugly creature -to remain caged yet again. I kindly fed it peanut butter and human noursishment as I knew this was exactly what the owner did not want for her precious organically fed dog.

And so with ear plugs to drown out the mutts' whining I slept until 1700 hours, and awoke looking forward to the night ahead. Knowing it would be difficult to fall asleep again at a decent hour I planned my evening carefully for a Cinderella bedtime (before midnight). And so here is the recipe of a romantic evening for one:

1. Red Wine
2. Popcorn
3. Benzocaine (numbing agent)
3. Hot wax and muslin cloth
4. Diphenhydramine (benadryl)
5. 300 movie (rippling Spartan bodies on film)

Estimated time of events: 3hours. Pour glass of red wine. Apply benzocaine to area planned to be waxed. Consume the half a glass of wine while the benzocaine soaks into the skin. Wax numbed area while consuming the rest of the glass of wine. Shower to remove remnants of wax, and microwave the popcorn. Take one tablet of diphenhydramine - note the instructions on the package that forewarn the increased drowsiness effect of alcohol consumption with the medication. Settle into warm bed with the 300 movie, feeling tired again after only 5 hours of awake time, and fall into a lovely drug induced sleep with dreams of rippling Spartan bodies dancing through your head.